2 ripe, medium to large avocados. Quality matters here. If these have too many dark spots and nasty stuff, your entire guacamole will suffer. Choose wisely. ***In the original text it is important to note that there have been letters added to the last sentence. The first draft did not contain "r entire guacamole". When you remove those letters you see her true intent in the first paragraph: "You will suffer"***

1 jalapeno, chopped small.

2 scallions, ends cut off, white and green part chopped small. (I like the ones with a bigger white bulb.) ***the fine print reveals: "Make sure that you have live scallions for this. Take your time in slowly slicing their heads off. Enjoy it." Of course, scallions don't have heads but this tells you something about the cook***

Small handful of cilantro, chopped small (chopped finely?). ***Fine print: "Use a BIG knife. Chop some more just for the heck of it. Doesn't that big, nasty blade feel goooooood in your hands?" Sick, sick, sick.***

1 tsp lemon juice ***This was changed from "1tbsp blood of the innocents"***

3 Tbsp Herdez Salsa Casera, medium (note here that you can certainly use some lesser salsa, but your results *will* be affected). ***the best I can tell is that this is a shameless plug for a sponsor. Hey, eveil geniuses need financial backing too***

1 1/2 tsp lemon pepper seasoning ***Fine print: "Should be limes, but you idiots like lemon. So here you go"***

2 large cloves fresh garlic, minced through one of those garlic mincer-thingies.

salt and pepper to taste. ***Fine print: "That's right. Taste it. Doesn't that taste good you weak minded fool?" Can you believe this woman? Sheesh!***

1) Peel the avocados and scoop out their glory into a bowl. Mash this up according to taste (I don't like big chunks of avocado in my guac.) ***"I don't like big chunks of avacado" Of course not! Then the poor saps would know what they are eating! Also note the that original draft of this recipe read as follows: "scoop out their glory into a bowl. That's it. Gut those little bastards. Don't you wish they could scream? Mash them into a bowl. Mash them Mash them. MASH THEM! MUAHAHAHA!!!" Are you getting the picture now?***

2) Add the scallions, jalapeno, cilantro, salsa and garlic to the bowl. Mix this up gently. ***The "gently" was added later when Wren thought someone might be onto her. Nice try.***

3) Add the lemon juice, the lemon pepper seasoning and the salt/pepper. ***Fine print reveals: "And buckle up you mush-minded saps"***

4) Stir well and enjoy. ***Oringinal draft replaced "enjoy" with "do my bidding, slaves!"***

There it is. The proof is in the pudding, er...guacamole. Don't be a guac zombie. Stay away.

Bannister
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